It is after midnight and she should be asleep. Instead she is lying in the dark with her phone a few inches from her face, watching a parade of other people's lives.
An old classmate just got engaged on a beach. A college friend is starting graduate school. Someone she barely knows is on yet another trip abroad. A woman her age has a perfect apartment, a perfect skin routine and a perfect morning. Every swipe is another reminder of where she thinks she is falling short.
For young women in their late teens and twenties, social media is woven into almost everything: friendships, dating, work, news. It can be a lifeline. It can also become a mirror that only shows what is missing.
How comparison wears a person down
Comparison itself is human. People have always measured themselves against friends and neighbors. What is different now is the volume and the editing. She is not comparing herself to one cousin at a holiday dinner. She is comparing her ordinary Tuesday to hundreds of polished highlights.
For someone already struggling, that can deepen the feeling that everyone else has figured life out. It can feed thoughts like these:
- I am behind and I will never catch up
- Nobody would notice if I stopped posting, or stopped showing up
- Everyone is happier than me, so something must be wrong with me
- There is no point in trying
Those thoughts are not facts. But when they start to feel true most of the time, and when they come with exhaustion, withdrawal and hopelessness, they can be signs of depression. If they turn toward not wanting to be alive, it is time to tell someone.
Noticing the slide
It can be hard to tell the difference between a bad mood after scrolling and something deeper. A few questions she can ask herself:
- Do I feel worse about myself almost every time I put my phone down?
- Am I scrolling instead of sleeping, eating or seeing people in person?
- Have I been feeling low most days for two weeks or more?
- Have I had thoughts of hurting myself or of suicide?
A yes to the last question is reason to reach out today. A yes to the others is reason to reach out soon.
Reaching out, offline
There is an irony here. The same phone that fuels comparison can be the fastest way to ask for help. She can text a friend and say she has been in a dark place and needs to talk. She can call or text 988 at any hour. She can use it to book an appointment with a campus counselor or a primary care provider.
It may help to step back from the apps for a while, too. Muting accounts that make her feel worse, turning off notifications at night or keeping the phone outside the bedroom are small changes that can ease the pressure. They are not a substitute for care, but they can make room for it.
What friends can do
Friends are often watching the same feeds. Sometimes the clue is what is missing: she has stopped posting, stopped replying to stories, gone quiet in the group chat.
Instead of reacting with a heart, reach out directly. A phone call or a visit says more than a comment. Tell her you have noticed she seems down and you wanted to check on her. If you are worried, ask plainly whether she has been having thoughts of suicide. That question will not put the idea there. It opens a door she may have been afraid to open herself.
If she says yes, stay with her. Help her call or text 988, or help her reach a counselor or doctor. If you believe she is in immediate danger, call 911.
No feed shows the whole story of anyone's life. The friend who logs off and shows up in person can be the one who helps her find her own story again.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.