The photos look lovely. A tiny hand wrapped around a finger. A sleeping baby in a striped blanket. A tired but smiling mother on the couch. Friends send hearts and congratulations, and everyone agrees she seems to be doing great.

Behind the picture, some new mothers are in a very different place. They are exhausted in a way they did not know was possible. They feel disconnected from the baby, or terrified of doing something wrong. And some are having thoughts they would never post anywhere: that they are failing, that their baby would be better off with someone else, or that they do not want to be here anymore.

More than the baby blues

Many new mothers have some tearful, shaky days in the first weeks after birth. That is common and often eases on its own. But for some women, the low mood does not lift. It deepens. It can show up during pregnancy, right after birth or months later.

This kind of depression after having a baby is a real health condition, not a sign of weakness or bad mothering. It can happen to first-time mothers and experienced ones, to women with plenty of support and women with very little. It can also be treated.

The trouble is that many women hide it. They feel they are supposed to be overjoyed. They worry that admitting dark thoughts will make others think they are a danger to their baby, or that someone will judge them as unfit. So they smile for the photos and keep going.

What partners and family can watch for

The people closest to a new mother are often in the best position to notice when something is off:

• She seems sad, empty or anxious most of the day, for more than a couple of weeks.
• She cannot sleep even when the baby sleeps, or she sleeps but never feels rested.
• She seems detached from the baby, or overwhelmed with fear about the baby's safety.
• She pulls away from friends and family, or avoids being alone with the baby.
• She says she is a bad mother, or that her family would be better off without her.
• She talks about wanting to escape, disappear or not wake up.

Any talk of being better off gone, or of not wanting to live, should be taken seriously and acted on the same day.

How to ask a new mother how she really is

Choose a quiet moment. Offer to hold the baby, or wait until the baby is asleep, so she can focus. Then tell her plainly that you see how hard she is working and that you are asking about her, not the baby.

Let her know that many new mothers have scary or dark thoughts, and that she will not be judged for being honest. If you are worried, ask her directly whether she has been having thoughts of suicide. Asking will not put the idea in her mind. For many women, hearing that question asked gently is the moment they finally feel safe enough to tell the truth.

If she says yes, stay with her and help her reach support right away. Call or text 988 together, or call her doctor, midwife or the baby's pediatrician, who can help connect her to care. Do not leave her alone if you believe she is in danger.

Making room for her to heal

Support for a new mother is practical as much as emotional:

• Protect her sleep. Take night feedings or early mornings when you can, so she gets real stretches of rest.
• Handle the household. Meals, laundry, older siblings and visitors can all be managed by others for a while.
• Go to appointments with her. Encourage her to be honest with her doctor about her mood, and be there to back her up.
• Keep checking in. The first conversation is a start. Ask again next week, and the week after.

For the new mother who sees herself here, please know that struggling does not mean you love your baby any less, and it does not mean you are failing. It means you need care too. Telling your partner, a friend or your doctor how you are really feeling is one of the best things you can do for yourself and for your child.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.